Bittersweet

Friday is my last day at my current job. I am excited and happy about my new job, but I’m also a little scared. It’s very different than what I’ve been doing for the last ten years. I find myself falling into the depths of “what if I can’t do it?”

And my cubicle has slowly but surely become my space at this job. I have my kettle, my mug, my tins of tea. I have my theater postcards and a strip of photobooth photos with Boyfriend tacked up. This week has seen all those things leave, get packed away, and taken home. Today is the last full day that I’ll work here, and the cubicle is quite empty. I’ve made my last cup of tea (Earl Grey), which is sitting in front of me. I’m finishing the last two biscuits with it for an afternoon treat. I’ve unplugged the kettle and stowed the tea tins in a box, where the kettle and mug will join them.

It’s a sad sort of quietness before what promises to be a busy week full of new beginnings next week. Again, I’m feeling my transitions acutely. I’ve been fielding the outpouring of well-wishes and sad-to-see-you-goes from colleagues and I realize that I will miss all these people, no matter how crazy they may have made me at one time or another. I will miss this space and this community and this job.

But it’s also the beginning of an adventure.

Quiet Transitions

For those of us familiar with pagan holidays, we are nearing what is considered the pagan new year for many. Samhain (Halloween for most) is considered the end of the old year and the beginning of a new year. By an odd twist of fate, it is also when I am going to leave my current job for a new endeavor.

Transitions always come with a fair serving of self-reflection and attempts at self-improvement and perhaps re-invention for me. This time, however, I am perhaps a bit more comfortable with where I am. I don’t so much feel the need to re-invent myself, but instead to hone myself. Temper what I like with some shedding of the excess to emerge a stronger version of me.

Lately, I’ve realized I’ve amassed a lot of stuff over the last year. When I went through my divorce, I found Zen meditation and minimalism and threw myself into it. It helped that I moved around a lot and dislike moving all that stuff with me. It helped to downsize, but eventually I found myself missing certain things and realizing that I was unprepared for some of life’s events.

So I eased up, stopped policing my consumption unless it grew to obviously excessive levels. Little breaks, like my buying break earlier this year, became enough to rein me in. Or so I thought.

As I look at the boxes from the things I’ve bought recently, I’ve realized that needs to stop. I am not a minimalist, at least not in the sense of bloggers who count their possessions and live as stuff-free as possible.

But I am not happy surrounded by things.

So I’ve started to hone my wardrobe, realizing that I wear a tiny fraction of what I own on any given day. Also, I will have to rise earlier and be ready to go earlier with my new job, so I’ve started gravitating towards the idea of a personal uniform, at least for work. While I’m not quite there, I’ve put away a large portion of my wardrobe, just to see what I truly miss, and what I would only keep out of a desire to have backup clothing when I’m too lazy to do laundry.

I’ve simplified my exercise routine, as I no longer have morning daylight in which to run during the week. I still go to my aerials classes, and other than that, must satisfy my active urge with walking and whatever yoga and strength routine I can eke out of my pre-dawn self.

And fall has brought a return to simple eating. There is just not so much choice at winter markets for fresh veggies, and so I find myself gravitating towards hearty meals based around just a few ingredients.

It is a quiet way of improving myself, but I believe it may be better for me.

A Whirlwind of Late Summer

As summer draws to a close, I’ve been busy. I’ve been on a lovely trip with Boyfriend and made some new soaps. I’ve discovered some wonderful new teas and enjoyed old favorites. As autumn draws near, I’ve done some closet-shifting and ordered some new pieces, vintage and otherwise.

I love autumn. While I love the quiet stillness and deep cold of winter best, the shift of summer to autumn is one of my favorite times of year. The weather gets colder. Early mornings seem more ethereal as it stays dark later. The transition seems more distinct, as you suddenly have mornings that you wake up chilly.

Transitional times leave me feeling meditative and reflective. The summer has been a time of moderate upheaval, at least by my measures. It’s neither been the most uneventful time, but nor has it brought my sharpest of life changes. The cooling and darkening of autumn always makes me feel like the world is getting quieter, less busy, and more restful.

This past week, I had a bad cold and had to take most of the week off. It was a welcome rest, though I was climbing the walls with boredom by the end. I have weekend plans that I feel well enough to enjoy, but I think next week I’ll have a bit more of a balanced restful week as autumn begins in earnest. I’ll take my time to contemplate the transitions of life and maybe look forward to digging out my sweaters and boots!